Family members negotiate bride price.
NAIROBI, KENYA – Margaret Nekoye’s big day is finally here. Not her wedding, as she and her husband eloped five years ago, but the day their marriage becomes official – the day her husband negotiates her bride price.
Nekoye, 29, has three kids with her husband, Ronald Wekesa. But in this Bukusu community, a subgroup of the larger Luhya tribe of western Kenya, no marriage is recognized without this traditional ceremony in which the man’s family “settles” his wife’s family by paying her bride price, or “eng’anana” in the Bukusu dialect. Before a husband’s family negotiates the bride price and makes the first payment, marriages are not only invalid, but are also considered sinful.
After suffering this stigma for five years, Nekoye says she considers herself lucky that her husband’s people have finally taken this step to negotiate her bride price. Because she has a law degree and works as a legal clerk at a private law firm, she says her bride price is especially important. Her education means her community raised her well, so she says her people would not let her rest until her husband’s family had negotiated a worthy bride price.
“My people wanted to be appreciated for taking good care of me and more so for educating me to college level,” she says proudly.
On this long-awaited day, her husband’s family called her family to begin dowry negotiations and to make the first payment. This not only validates Nekoye and Wekesa’s marriage, but also allows them to have a formal church wedding.
In the Bukusu community, bride prices consist of a standard list of gifts, plus a negotiable sum of money related to the bride’s educational, financial and social status. But with more than 2.5 million youth unemployed here and battling high inflation rates, young men say they are forced to stay single, cohabit or marry outside their cultures because they can’t afford the bride price. Community elders maintain that bride price is crucial to their culture. A current bill before Parliament aims to make bride price optional, but it has not yet been passed and some say it won’t in the predominantly male Parliament because of other rights it would grant wives.
Bride price dates back to ancient times and is still widely practiced in several communities in the world. In some communities, like in India, the woman’s family pays a dowry to the man’s family. But in African communities, it is the duty of the man to appease his wife’s parents with presents to show his appreciation of their taking good care of her.
Traditionally, it was a taboo for a woman to elope before her husband paid the bride price. Women’s fathers used to choose from a variety of suitors based on who could best pay the price worthy for his daughter.
But things have changed with the advent of colonialism, which brought Western education and religion to Kenya. Like Nekoye, many girls now elope without the official customary marriage that bride price warrants, although the community stills frowns upon it.
Bride price usually consists of livestock, money and other gifts that vary according to culture. Among most African communities, cattle, goats, bedding and money are standard measures of dowry. Patrick Wangamati, Luhya Council of Elders chairman, says that in the tribe’s ancient days, the standard price used to range from 15 to 25 heads of cattle and 10,000 shillings, $115 USD, depending on how well-kept the girl was.
“But nowadays, other factors have contributed to the lowering of these rates and have include[d] bits like mother’s and father’s money apart from livestock as part of dowry,” he says.
Now, bride price in this community typically consists of 13 heads of cattle, two goats, two blankets and a pair of sheets, a long coat for the father, lotion for the mother and at least $50,000 shillings, nearly $600 USD, which is known as father’s and mother’s money. Although the material gifts remain constant, the mother’s and father’s money is negotiable depending on the girl’s social, educational and financial status.
“The parents have to get something higher as appreciation if they took their girl to school,” Wangamati says. “Somehow, they have to recover the money that they spent on the girl given that she will benefit the man and his family financially, socially and [lineally] after her family gives her out.”
For a woman like Nekoye, who has a career, her bride price consists of: 13 heads of cattle, two goats, blankets and sheets, a suit for her father, 200,000 shillings, $2,300 USD, for her father, 100,000 shillings, $1,150 USD, for her mother and 20 liters of paraffin to pay for the candles she burned while in school.
Beaming, Nekoye says she is worth it all.
“He should [prove] to my people that he is worth taking care of me, even though we already have a family together,” she says. “He should show that he appreciates me and is ready to welcome my family to his by paying.”
Payment may occur over time, but the mother’s money must be paid upfront, as Bukusu culture dictates that mothers and sons-in-law may never interact – not even to look each other in the eye or shake hands – as a sign of mutual respect.
“Otherwise, where shall she [the wife’s mother] stand to ask her son-in-law about the balance when culture does not even allow them to see each other eye to eye?” Wangamati asks.
But not everyone is as enthusiastic about the custom of bride price as Nekoye. Some experts warn that high rates of inflation and unemployment among youths are forcing many Kenyans to stay single because of high dowry demands from prospective in-laws. Judy Thongori, a family law advocate in Nairobi, warns that many are also opting for cohabitation and cross-cultural unions because of demanding bride prices.
Nearly 2.5 million youths are unemployed, according to the Ministry of Youth and Sports. At 65 percent, youth unemployment in Kenya is among the highest in the world, according to Margaret Wamuyu Muthee, a scholar at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars, a nonprofit organization that studies global affairs.
Wekesa says he had concerns about being able to afford his wife’s bride price but couldn’t voice them because customs dictate that the matter is handled at clan level.
“Even if I was to be part of the team, my input is so minimal, for I have to put up the best face before my in-laws, who take me in high regard,” he says.
Wekesa says he doesn’t just have concerns about affordability, but also about the honesty of the transaction.
“There are times when the bride’s parents and relatives take advantage and exploit the man’s family, making the whole business a wealth-creation transaction,” Wekesa says.
But cultural custodians like Wangamati are quick to correct such sentiments. According to him, payment of bride price engenders peace and security in a marriage.
“It is not a price tag but a form of appreciation and a sign of love and respect between families,” he says.
He says it’s the council members’ duty to be the custodians of culture, which is the people’s way of life.
“Whether with education or not, these traditions are here to stay, although the churches are trying to erode them,” Wangamati says.
He says most modern marriages are falling apart because of the lack of commitment from men who do not want to cement family relationships through dowry payment.
“It is rare and odd for any proper traditional marriage to fall apart because of strong familial ties established through payment of bride price,” he says.
The Kenyan government has a long history of trying to amend marriage laws. The process dates back to 1967, when a government-appointed commission drafted marital laws that Parliament rejected and deemed “un-African” because they said they did not take African traditions and customs into account. The Marriage Bill 2007 was introduced in Parliament and reintroduced in 2009 but has not been passed.
Article 54 of the Marriage Bill 2007 would make bride price optional. It states: “One does not have to pay dowry to get married and therefore a union is deemed complete irrespective of whether dowry has been paid or not. But the bill does not outlaw dowry either; hence if this bill is enacted into law, then payment of bride price will be a voluntary matter.”
Among Nekoye’s community and the larger Luhya community, if a couple divorces – although this is rare – then the wife’s family returns the dowry to the man’s family. But article 55 of the bill makes this optional as well, stating that: “No action may be brought for the return of dowry whether in whole or in part.”
Local women’s rights organizations say the predominantly male Parliament won’t pass the bill because of other rights it would grant wives, in regard to property and polygamy.
As Wangamati and most African communities laud the tradition of bride price and hope that it lasts, the high number of unemployed youths from poor families say they are hoping that the bill will be enacted into law so that they can be allowed to marry and pay dowry only on voluntary terms.
“At this rate, there will be no more marriages,” says Wekesa’s younger brother, Edward Toywa, who is also married but couldn’t afford bride price. “Imagine if I also pay 300,000 shillings [$3,500 USD] plus several heads of cattle and some other goodies towards dowry yet we are five sons? Then this family will be left bankrupt!”
